I lost my husband, the love of my life, my best friend and soulmate on December 22, 2023. Three and a half years earlier he had been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. I am an RN (now retired), and therefore knew that the traditional treatment approach consisting of chemically castrating a man followed by chemotherapy did nothing to heal the cancer but made the recipient of such treatments miserable until the time of death. So we researched and tried many available alternative treatments and he felt strong and well for about 2.5 years, but beginning in 2023, his health began to decline steadily until it became apparent to both of us that the remission, we were hoping for, was not to be.
He was with me until his death. During the last four months of his life I had the help from hospice who also provided a hospital bed for him in our living room and I slept beside him on the sofa to be there if he needed anything during the night.
We have two children, a son and a daughter, and Dave also has a daughter from a previous marriage. We have a loving relationship with all family members and the kids adore their father. For Thanksgiving, each wrote him a letter, stating how grateful they were for all he had done for them, the sacrifices he had made, and how much they loved him. They told him what a great example he had been, for our daughter regarding the qualities what to look for when choosing her own husband and for our son for becoming the man he is today. I too wrote him a letter, telling him how much I loved him, thanked him for the beautiful life we had built together and recounting some of my favorite memories. By that time, he was no longer able to read the letters for himself, so I read the kids’ letters to him and the hospice nurse read him my letter because I could not have made it through without bawling my eyes out.
Dave was born a brilliant musician. His parents recounted that he started whistling melodies before he could even speak. As he grew up, he learned to play many instruments. First the piano and later anything with strings: acoustic and electric guitar, banjo, dobro, steel guitar, bass, violin and in addition flute, harp, and drums. He wrote his own songs, the melodies and lyrics, plus sang them with his beautiful voice. As a teenager he started a successful band here in the US. When he signed up for the military, the army sent him to Germany and because he liked it there, he stayed after his discharge for a total of about 20 years. That’s where we met and got married. In Germany too he started a very successful band - Westwood - just two guitars and a bass and to this day has a huge following and fans who miss him dearly after they learned of his passing.
In 1986, he wanted to return back to the States to be closer to his parents as well and so we moved. Our son was 3.5 years old and our daughter was just 2 weeks old. The new beginning in the US was not as easy as Dave had anticipated and to guarantee a secure income for his family, his music took the backseat, he went back to school, earned a Master’s degree in computer science and eventually a PhD. He taught at a local college and worked for a defense contractor. He had the highest security clearance, even got to see the inside of NORAD, but he was not allowed to talk about their duties and he never did. He did meet local musicians and on weekends they played in local bars, entertaining the patrons with songs from the Beatles, Eagles and others, sounding just like the original bands
After he retired, he was finally able to concentrate solely on his music again. About once a year he flew back to Germany to connect with the two members of his German band and to the delight of their fans played reunion concerts in the local area where we had lived before. Our children were grown and he dreamed of building a new house with his own music studio. He found a place, 4 acres in the National Forest, the house was built and his dream came true. His German band members came to visit and he produced a vinyl record with his original songs. Several years later, the bass player who also was one of his best friends died which also marked the end of the band in Germany and Dave was devastated by the loss of both.
Going back to his declining health, we both believed that there is no death, meaning that the physical body dies, but the individual consciousness survives death and is eternal. Neither one of us joined an organized religion, but we both believed in God and God’s unconditional love for all of us. So we talked about dying and I told him that he could go anytime he needed or wanted to, that he did not need to stick around for me. While the thought of losing him here beside me in physical reality broke my heart, I would have never wanted him to stay in a broken body because of me. Three days before his death, I sat with him for hours, holding his hand. Our kids called, I put them on speaker phone and while he no longer talked, he could listen to them, recounting their favorite memories, thanking him again for all he had done, and telling him how much they loved him. I too shared my fondest memories of our life together. December 21st was our son’s birthday. By that time he was mostly unresponsive and I thought his passing was imminent, but he hung in there throughout the entire day. Hospice had recommended that I give him a tiny dose of morphine with a sedative every 4 hours, not to drug him out of his mind, but to keep him comfortable. Thus, I had set an alarm clock for 4:00 am on the 22nd when it was time to give him the medicine again. I gave him a kiss and told him that if he did not want his death associated with his son’s birthday he could go now. It was the next day. I lay back down on the sofa and dozed off again and when I woke at about 5:30 am, he was gone.
Our daughter, who joined the catholic church after her marriage, had 3 visions. Two with him, the first without when he was still alive. The first two happened in church during mass right after she took the eucharist. She recalls: “I suddenly saw a green pasture like a sheep's pasture, only there were people walking around. The people were enjoying the pasture and there was a river nearby with still, peaceful waters. Jesus was standing in the middle of the pasture looking at me, and I was outside of the pasture looking in. I watched the people and understood they were in a place of immense peace, not any kind of peace we have here on Earth, but total peace. I looked at Jesus and said, "this peace is not for me right now", and he replied, "No, not yet." I then asked, "For my dad?" and he said, "Soon." That was 10 days before his passing.
In the second vision, after his death she recalls: “I saw the pasture again with Jesus standing there, and dad was next to him talking animatedly. There were no other people this time. Dad was older, but looked like he did when he was still healthy, before he got really sick (so maybe how he looked 2-3 years ago). I then saw dad as a young man, like early 20's and he was smiling. Then I saw him as a little boy and he was running around and laughing. Jesus was there the whole time, next to dad.
In the third vision he appeared to her in person, standing right in front of her, looking healthy and incredibly handsome as he did in his early forties. She was sobbing and he told her “Don’t cry sweetheart.”
Dave’s daughter, who is very sensitive and a medium, is also perceiving him clearly as loving, peaceful energy. He also told her that all of our pets that have passed are with him.
As for me, several days after his death I was reading and the thought “listen to my music” popped into my head. I ignored it and kept reading. Next the thought screamed in my head “LISTEN TO MY MUSIC.” So I put the book down and looked through the drawer where we keep all of his CDs. “Which one do you want me to play?” I asked and “The Last Rodeo” jumped out. Here are the lyrics of the song he wanted me to hear:
Because You’re Mine
Words & Music by Dave German
When the darkness gets you down
And no friends can be found
When all you feel is sad
And all you see is bad
Call for me and I’ll comfort you
Day or night, any time
I don’t care what you’re going through
I’ll still be there, because, you’re mine
When the snow begins to fall
I will be there if you call
And the winds begin to blow
I will keep you from the cold
Call for me ….
I will make you smile again
All you have to say is when
I don’t care the time of day
I’ll make the darkness fade away
Call for me …
He produced the CD in 2017 and it seems that in the Eternal Now, where time as we experience it here on Earth does not exist, he knew those words were needed seven years later and composed this beautiful song.
I always enjoyed his songs, but while he was still here with me, I focused mainly on his beautiful musical compositions, skilled finger picking (he never did what I call the “shrum, shrum, shrum” that less skilled players do especially when playing an electric guitar), exquisite solos, and gorgeous harmonies that he even sang by himself when recording a solo CD.
Now after his passing I started concentrating more on the lyrics and am amazed at the breadth and emotional insights they convey and sadly, I find quite a few of them describing my life without him, such as “Since you’ve been gone, it’s hard to carry on …” or “I want to be with you, there ain’t nothing else that I would rather do …” and “ Another lonely day, remembering your smile, your face ….”
Several years ago, we visited San Antonio, TX, and also took a tour through the Alamo. Dave has always been quite sensitive in perceiving energies and when we came to a room where civilians stayed and most of them later died, he immediately said we had to leave; the energy in that room was making him physically sick. So when several years later he composed a song about the Alamo it was no surprise. However, listening to it now, I wondered where the Tennessee Farmer came in. How did Dave perceive that background story. It might be best if you listen to the song yourself which he placed on YouTube:
Tennessee Farmer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1roCfCXg2lM
That question did not leave my mind and a few weeks later I woke up early in the morning, around 3:00 or 4:00 am when it was still dark outside. I lay on my side facing the wall where my dresser stands and the door to the master bath is which was closed. Suddenly I smelled his fragrance and then a door opened up in the wall between the dresser and the bathroom door. Dave stood in the doorway looking directly at me. Behind him I could see a sparsely lit hallway with grey stone walls. He beckoned me to follow, then turned and took a few steps into the hallway. I could see him sideways and then saw him stumbling after those first few steps. He reached out placing both hands onto the wall to support himself and keep from falling. At that point the vision faded, but for the next 10 – 15 minutes my body felt like it was dying. Needless to say that this experience was anything but pleasant and when I was halfway myself again, I wondered why his two daughters received such beautiful visions of him while I was presented with such a disturbing one. And then I realized that he answered my question regarding the Tennessee farmer. Sometimes I use my pendulum to receive answers to questions and in this case the information I got was that he was not aware of the connection when he wrote the song, but that he is now. The vision is still with me as clearly as can be. I don’t even have to close my eyes to see it all again.
While Dave was very sensitive in perceiving energies around him, he was also quite good in working with them. After our previous house was built, he purchased an owl figurine (he loved owls), mounted it over the garage door and charged it with protecting our home. When we bought the new place after our two children were grown, we put this house up for sale and moved into a small mobile home on our property until we’d be ready to build the new house which included the sale of the other house. Nothing happened for 3.5 years except really weird stuff. For example at times the lock the realtor placed on the front door got stuck and would not open, so potential buyers could not view the house. Then we got a call that something must have died in the garage, it stank like hell in there making the people who came to view the house run right back out. I checked it out, but nothing was out of the ordinary. The garage was clean and smelled completely normal. Then one day Dave said, “Oh my god, I forgot the owl.” He went and took it off its place above the garage door and the house sold within 2 weeks. This owl is now protecting our new home.
Another thing he was very good at was to remove tailgaters when we were on the road. He sent a ball of energy through the rearview window of our car and within seconds the tailgater was so far behind us, you could barely see him. Dave always got a kick out of that.
I try to avoid driving on snowy, icy roads, but after his death I once had to because I had an appointment at the funeral home. The first seven miles of the trip are through a winding mountain road with little traffic, as it is mostly used by people living in this area. I drove very slowly and carefully as the thought of ending up in the ditch was not one, I wanted to happen. I felt Dave in the car with me and got the message, “You’re doing fine, just take it easy.”
Well, there are quite a few drivers who will not and are always in a hurry. Some are ending up in the ditch and Dave helped pull out several over the years we lived up here. Sure enough, about half-way down the road a car came speeding up behind me and stayed extremely close. I said to Dave, “Schatzi, can you please make him go away?” and within seconds this car was several car-lengths behind me and did not bother me again.
After Dave’s death, I did not join a grievance group although it was offered through hospice. I always preferred to work through my challenges by myself and find my own answers. In addition, the topics and things to do offered by Hospice were of no interest to me. What I have come to realize is that I can deal with not having him right here by my side is either from the ego perspective or the soul perspective. From the ego point of view I am heart-broken and could cry my eyes out because I miss his physical presence so much. The soul, on the other hand, is pure love and joy and from the soul level I know that he is in a wonderful place, whole, happy and healthy again which is everything I wish for him and I can be grateful of having been able to spent the better part of my life with this wonderful man. I am currently working on balancing those two viewpoints. I would like to join him rather sooner than later, but when the time does come, I do want to meet him with love and joy.
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